How to Trust the Right Kind of Pain (And Stop Retreating When Growth Gets Hard)
There are two kinds of pain. One warns you something is wrong, while the other signals something is changing.
The first should be taken seriously. It means there’s damage, harm, or a real threat.
But the second kind of pain often shows up when you’re becoming someone stronger, wiser, and more whole.
The problem is, they feel almost identical.
So your body, trying to protect you, says, “Stop.” Even when stopping might be the exact opposite of what you need.
Your Body Already Knows This Pattern
Think about it. Muscles ache when they get stronger. Ligaments tighten when they’re regaining flexibility. Joints throb when they’re adjusting to new movement.
This isn’t damage, it’s adaptation.
The same thing happens in your business, in your relationships, and in your soul.
When you step into a new way of showing up, your nervous system can panic. Especially if you’ve been living in overdrive for years.
And it can be especially painful if you’ve been the one keeping everyone else happy, smoothed over, and taken care of.
What It Looks Like in Real Life
Let’s say someone asks you to take on “just one more thing.”
It sounds small. Mayb it’s an event, a favor, or a task.
It might even be for a noble cause, but very part of you already feels stretched too thin.
Still, your mouth starts to say yes, because saying no feels like letting someone down. Like you’re not being kind. Like you’re not pulling your weight.
But this time, you pause.
Your chest tightens. The silence is awkward. You feel exposed.
But you say it anyway:
“I’m not available for that.”
And that’s when the wave hits.
If you’ve been a people-pleaser most of your life like I used to be, your body might respond with guilt or shame. You may feel adrenaline shoot through your chest and face like a raging fire. But you stay quiet. You let the discomfort settle in.
You don’t run from it.
Because this is the kind of pain that leads to freedom.
You’re building new wiring.
And just like your brain wraps new neural pathways in myelin, this ache wraps itself around a new emotional truth.
You’re Training Your Nervous System to Respond Differently
It happens again when your mom starts spiraling on the phone about something you can’t fix.
This time, you don’t absorb her fear or try to solve it. You say, “I hear you, Mom. I trust you to figure this out.”
Then you let go.
The call ends. But instead of feeling drained, you feel space open up in your chest.
Or maybe you’re in a room full of people who expect the old version of you, the agreeable, ever-smiling one who says yes before thinking, who never asks for anything, just to keep the peace.
But today, you don’t.
You ask for what you actually need. You hold your ground, even when your heart races. And your whole nervous system gets the message:
You belong here. Just as you are.
And this time, the rush of fear and adrenaline is less.
That’s how myelination works, reinforcing new pathways that lead to healthier decisions, deeper peace, and a stronger you.
Don’t Retreat. Pause.
Now when you first start doing this, it can still feel awful. Your nerve system will scream at you to retreat. To apologize. To soften your edges and go back to what’s familiar.
But don’t.
Pause instead.
Ask the better question:
Is this the pain of damage, or is it the ache of growth?
If it’s the latter, you’re not breaking down. You’re breaking through.
And that’s the beginning of something new.
Dr Barbara
Want to go deeper?
I go deeper into this in my book, Two Streets Named Hard, especially Chapter 3, where I explore how your brain resists transformation—and what to do when your body feels the ache of change.
