This is a rough one to write, so bear with me if I start rambling a bit, ok?
I’m extremely blessed in endless ways!! Period.
I have so much to be thankful for!! Period.
Currently, I am miserable. Period.
I have hesitated sharing anything other than great news because it seems so callous given the grave suffering around the world.
I mean come on, I am safe.
I also have plenty of food.
I have so much to be thankful for and I am thankful.
How dare I mention any of my troubles?
I have cried many times in silence since injuring my knee over New Year’s. It seems so petty when others have it so rough. I have put on a happy face and pushed through even though every part of me has craved climbing into bed til it’s all better.
I have said it a million times to others and today, for the first time, my words actually penetrated my own thoughts and heart. The truth that someone else’s life says NOTHING about mine. And that MY life says NOTHING about someone else’s finally made complete sense to me today.
I didn’t lose my leg, I just injured my knee and had surgery.
I am not on the brink of death or disaster, as many are today.
All of that is about THEIR lives, not about mine. However, it doesn’t mean that my struggle is any less important.
I think it’s so easy to compare how we feel on the inside to what we see on others’ outside.
We measure our wins and loses to others and at times come up short. At other times we’re on top. Compared to what? What if we just compared our lives to our own lives?
When you pause and think about it, it’s such a ridiculous exercise to compare ourselves to anyone else. There’s not a chance in hell that every minute of my life has been like any one else’s on the planet so how in the world would we compare?
I believe that this habit of comparison keeps us enslaved to the hamster wheel. I am seeing it play out in my own life right now. Despite having surgery on Tuesday, I have made sure that my husband has a hot breakfast, packed lunch, and tasty dinner every day. Minus all of my post surgical garb, our house is spotless. Our sheets are in the washing machine as I type this because you know, it’s imperative to wash your sheets every week regardless of circumstances. I have pushed through and worked all but two days this week even though my brain can barely focus and think.
The truth is that NONE of that HAD to be done.
Had I slowed down and just listened to my body instead of the horse poop on my diamond, I never would have done all of that. The story that kept playing in my thoughts was “others do way more in way worse circumstances. You can definitely do this.”
This is most certainly an example of coming from desperation and rationalization v. inspiration and wisdom.
It’s so interesting to know how MIND, THOT, and CONSCIOUSNESS work and then to observe it in my own life. I’ve created so much angst for myself these last few days all because of my beliefs and the images I have of myself. So then my habits/actions set into motion to make those beliefs and images true.
My belief that others have it way worse than I do so I better not complain and just suck it up, even when my body is screaming at me to slow down-heal and rest, caused me to do stuff that just didn’t need to be done. The image I have myself that I am so tough and can endure anything is now rearing it’s ugly head and I am in quite a lot of pain with accelerated swelling.
I guess what I am trying to convey is that:
- I’m hurting and I very much dislike being in this condition.
- Our thoughts often go to wild places and that’s ok. No storm permanently damages the sky.
- Someone else’s experience/outcomes/life says NOTHING about mine. I think it’s important to remember that when others earn more money than we do, it says NOTHING about what we earn. When someone else suffers, it says NOTHING about us. When someone else WINS, it says nothing about us. Their life speaks volumes about THEM and absolutely NOTHING about us. Period.
- Remember that there are very few emergencies in life therefore this idea that I HAVE to/I MUST…yah, probably not.
- When we “should” all over ourselves, we start stinking.
- Coming from a grounded, inspired state is the best place to be even in the mundane of life like recovery from surgery.
Thanks for reading/listening to my ramble.
And most importantly thank you for loving me and praying for me!! I really need both right now and am not ashamed to admit it.